LeavingTheChurch

Leaving the Church¶

中文翻译¶

两年半前，当我认识第一个教会的人时，我还是一所大学的国际学生。那时，我并不享受我的学业和我的同班同学。我想，我有点沮丧。更不幸的是，我遇到了一位糟糕的心理咨询师，所以我那时变得不相信心里咨询。某一天，这些教会里的人出现在我面前。他们非常温暖、快乐、自由。所以我被他们所吸引，决定了解他们的信仰，作为他们喜乐背后的秘密。他们是一个家庭教会。他们植根于“水流执事站”，这是一种从台湾传到美国的教会组织，但这些人因为厌倦了制度体系而脱离了水流执事站。

我立刻搬进了他们的“姐妹之家”，一个单身女性教徒共同居住的房子。他们教导我如何做家务，如何整理房间。而水流执事站有自己的圣经版本，声称他们的翻译更准确。（我后来和NIV比较了一下，除了一些术语之外，大部分都是一样的）。这个教会很讲究“教会生活”——教会就是我们的生活。我们，住在同一所房子里；我们互相分享膳食和时间表；他们还教我如何开车。最初刚认识他们就是因为我是在一家由教会资助、完全由教会人士经营的公司实习。我们有周五晚上和周日早上的聚会，每个时长约为3小时。牧师，我们不称为牧师，而是“弟兄”，主要讲的是与圣经有关的事情。每次会议之前，我们带来了“爱的晚宴”，通常是由多个家庭一起烹制的。除此之外，我们经常每周学习一两次圣经相关材料。这是一个非常紧密的社区。“以教会为生”，所以他们抛弃了形式上的东西，强调实质，所以他们没有普通教会有的东西，比如圣餐，比如过圣诞节。我们大声祷告，向神呼求，相信灵的释放而不是人心的祷告更接近与神的对话。

这段时间大部分时候实际上都是快乐的，有一群人的支持，有目标地过着我的生活。但我心里有一个疑问，我知道这种生活与大多数人的生活有很大不同，我暗自担心我生活在一个最终会破裂的泡沫里。

当时，第一座教堂讲了很多“把城市放在山顶”的内容。（你是世界之光。建在山上的城镇是无法隐藏的。马太福音5:14）他们认为基督教长期以来一直被忽视和误解，以至于宗教被大多数人的生活所抛弃。他们想让世界看到，宗教人士也可以在生活的许多其他方面变得丰富。因此，他们正在尝试创造新的方式来向人们证明并接触人们。我实习的公司就是一个例子。我之所以这么信任这些人，是因为他们受过良好的教育，其中很多是我毕业的大学的博士，教会领袖的孩子也毕业于哈佛和普林斯顿。这都是真的。我能感觉到他们的目的是好的。所以教会领袖的孩子和他们的朋友，麻省理工学院的毕业生，创建了一个非营利组织，宣传我所居住的城市的文化和历史，旨在教育大城市的年轻人到这个后工业小城市。他们结识了许多政府和企业人士。我也为他们工作过；我们都是志愿者。我们投入了大量的精力和精力。在这个过程中，我自己学习了网站建设技能，并为我实习的公司和非营利组织建立和维护了网站。我还为他们编辑社交媒体视频。我们甚至举办了一场全市范围的活动，邀请了 1000 多人参加。我们都是自愿的。我把所有的精力都花在了上面，感到很荣幸，认为我在“事奉上帝”。

到目前为止，这个故事似乎一切都很好。但很多时候，当我面对自己时，我怀疑这是否真的是我想做的事——一开始我只想得到快乐和自由，但现在我为此投入了那么多的时间和精力，并被教导和学习。因为我几乎是教会里最年轻的，所以我生活的各个方面都得到了他们的”纠正“。教会领袖经常在我们聚会中责骂人，作为我们大家“学习”的一种方式。而我内心质疑的概念就是“罪 （sin)”。在“人生而有罪“的理论下，他们认为，即使是两岁的小孩子自然知道如何通过哭泣和呼喊来操纵父母。因此，提倡的做法是，一旦孩子开始这样做，大人就需要高声斥责。你看，他们对待成人和儿童的原则是一样的。我不能同意这一点，因为我是一个非常温柔和胆怯的人。

当我的学习更加紧张的时候——其实当时为了留在这个地方,我又在这所大学报考了MBA,后来我也报考了博士。博士学业非常紧张。面对学习、教会生活、属灵学习，我感到疲倦和压力。另外，我认为他们都试图“帮助我”，促使我更有效地安排日程，并腾出一些时间与他们在一起作为家庭时间，这样我就不会完全被学习占据。但我英语没那么好，而且我还需要教课。事实上，他们建议的日程并不适用我的实际情况。我只好疲于应付，有几天，我只能睡3~4个小时来完成事情。

与此同时，另一个在教堂长大的年轻女孩也面临着类似的情况，但程度更为严重。她的专业是医学护理。教会领袖认为她不好好学习，就推她去麦当劳工作，体验妈妈养活自己的“现实生活”。因此，她每天凌晨3点就要起床上班，经常睡眠不足。事实上，教会里有三个年轻人即使拥有大学学位，也已经半被迫早起在麦当劳工作了。而一个生物学博士后的姐姐，已经被逼辞掉工作去他们公司上班，还一度被迫和自己不喜欢的人交往。当然，这些人不会承认他们是“被迫的”，因为他们知道这是为了“属灵上的成长”。看到他们的处境，即使我相信教会领袖的决策是出于好意，我还是感到困惑和害怕：我怕我会受到同样的对待，以实现“属灵上的成长”。

当时，一位带头的姐姐刚把自己的房在租给另外我们三个女性住。（我们以前住在一个小房子里，但它被倒下的树压坏了）。她的目标是重新开始属灵生活。我知道我应该支持她，但我觉得我时时刻刻都观察着（要知道，他们试图”帮助“我），所以我感到不安。我想，我的心已经不在教会里了。

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有一天，我在一家汽车修理店修好了车，他们给我派了一名Uber司机送我回家。回家的路上，当我和出租车司机随意聊起我的教堂时，她感到可疑，并建议我看看Youtube上有关“邪教”的视频。所以我搜索了。我心中升起了疑惑。

当天晚上，周五聚会的晚上，同住的姐妹们告诉领导，感觉我不太投入，这几天有些不对劲。于是教会的领袖把我叫到他身边，问我要不要离开教会。

我说：“我想离开，但我怕教会里的其他人会难过。”

他说：“有我在这里，他们不会难过的。你想离开吗？”

我说：”对。”

于是他就向大家宣布说我要离开。

但他说：“我只是试探了一下她，她立刻就坦白了。”

后来发生的事情我记不太清了；很混乱。他们不知道我身上发生了什么事。他们认为我“被魔鬼附身了。”一开始，我以为教会的领袖是故意这样说的，这样“别人就不会感到难过”。所以无论他们指责我什么，我都不会回应。但听了半天，我逐渐意识到他真的这样觉得。

领导威胁我：“你想走就今晚走。现在你所有的行李都已经出来了。”

我告诉他们我的心不在这里；”如果我因为其他好处而继续留在这里，我岂不是在进行交易？ 你为什么要逼我这样做呢？”

但他们指责我，“你才是那个擅于交易的人。”

我已经被视为坏人，他们觉得我一旦从教会中捞取好处，就要离开了。

所以我必须在三天之内找到租住的房子然后离开。那个时候我的心情是多么的绝望和迷茫。半夜我睡不着，就跪下来向神祷告：

“神啊，请帮助我。”

神奇的是，我确实找到了房子。事实上，我找到了几个备选方案；我甚至可以挑一个最好的。

在接下来的周日聚会之前，我已经收拾了大部分东西，但我还是决定去参加最后一次聚会，因为我觉得我亏欠这个群体很多，他们曾经帮助过我，关心过我，给过我鼓励，给过我很多好处。价值观。所以即使他们生气要斥责我，我也愿意接受。

但我不知道那天后我会受到这么大的创伤。

那个周日，领导以为我已经计划好要离开了。“她很聪明，三天之内就找到了房子”，他阴阳怪气地说。那个周日是我最后一次聚会。周五到周日期间，一位教会里的女生的父母来访，他们邀请我作为姊妹之家的一员与她的父母见面。所以我还是去了，试图帮忙，并努力表现得友善。说实话，那一刻我很困惑，我什至不知道我还能不能继续信神。所以来访的父母试图向我说明他们的信仰。但周日，领导提到我在那对家长面前的表现，说：“你看她有多虚伪。”

所以那个周日，基本上，那个学护理的女孩和我在那天的教会学习中都是坏榜样。他使用圣经知识，没错，就是我曾经全心相信并致力于的圣经，来控告我。我被指控像该隐一样，杀死了他的兄弟——当时他们正在学习启示录。所以我什至被拿来与启示录十七章中的妓女相比较，因为“我把自己卖给了世界”（我甚至从未与男孩发生过任何关系）无论他们指责我什么，我只觉得他们听不进去其他话，因为他们有自己的方式来合理化一切。所以我不得不说，“好吧”。但领导说我说“好吧” 的方式就像妓女接受顾客的钱一样。（现在想来是多么糟糕的羞辱！）

更糟糕的是，他们曾经把我介绍给一个男孩子约会，或者所谓的“交往”。我确实承认我喜欢他。但后来，我们被迫分手，又回到了普通的兄弟姐妹身边，原因就是我们“相爱得太快”，太亲近，忽略了别人的感受，所以就“抛弃了神的旨意”。但周日，领袖告诉教会的其他人，我之所以还留在教会，是因为我想嫁给他（获得绿卡）。听到这样的侮辱，我无法保持沉默，“不是的！”我尖叫起来，“不是这样的！！”。但领导的女儿对我尖叫：“你闭嘴！” 我很清楚这是诬告，因为如果他们不把介绍我们在一起，即使我有点喜欢他，我也不会考虑一个具有语言和文化障碍的不同种族的，比我大7岁的丈夫。况且我的父母强烈反对我们在一起，我甚至需要“上帝的恩典”来克服这些障碍。教会领袖还当着大家的面指出了我所有的缺点和毛病，然后问男孩：“你还爱她吗？” 他说：“不。” 当时那棵树砸坏我们的房子，导致我和另一个姐姐没有其他地方住的时候，我们曾经和他的父母住在一起，现在他的父母说他们不再希望我嫁给他们的儿子，因为我不爱上帝。曾长期与我同住、相亲相爱的姐姐向我投来仇恨的目光，对他们说：“别被她骗了！”

我当时没觉得有什么，但直到我事后向心理咨询师讲述这个故事并放声大哭时，我才意识到，他们对我的做的事情让我如此痛苦。

那天，教会领袖请学护理的那个女孩祷告；她做不到。她说：“这没有用，我试过了。” 但这位教会领袖表示，“不，你知道怎么祷告，而且你确实相信神。” 他们还强迫女孩休学一年，让她知道真正的劳动。她不甘心。然后他们就说，“看看你的母亲，看看这里所有的孩子，为什么你会选择你的学位而不是你的母亲，你为他们树立了一个多么好的榜样。” （她总是像大姐姐一样照顾这些孩子）。我的内心在呐喊，这是guilt-tripping (用愧疚感操控人)。因为我的母亲曾经用同样的方式威胁我要回国，他们告诉我这叫“guilt-tripping”。但现在他们自己也在做同样的事情。“这太不对了”，我心里想。

因为她不能祷告，领导就转向我让我祷告。我立即这么做了。我向神呼求：“主耶稣，主耶稣，我无法理解这里发生了什么事！我很困惑！” 当我祷告的时候，我就没法隐瞒内心的真实想法了。我转身对那个女孩说：“祷告吧，你可以祷告任何事，不管你信不信这个神，只要你对自己诚实。”就算你觉得这一切很可笑，也要说出来！” “可笑”这个词，让所有人勃然大怒。他们相信我确实被鬼附了。尽管我为我用词不当而道歉，但他们却说我的道歉不够真诚。他们认为我试图教那个女孩背叛。他们说我“作伪”，因为一个背叛神的人怎么可能会祷告呢？

所以最后领导就让我离开了。“现在就走！”他说道。然后我逃一般的离开了。但当我准备离开时，有两个人，一个是我的室友兼房主的带头姊妹，一个是最先带我祷告的弟兄，来拦住我。他们想要一个理由。我总不能告诉他们，“因为有人说你们是邪教，而我在某种程度上同意这个说法。” 所以我闭口不言。但他们不肯放我走。弟兄说：“我们在聚会中被责骂是为了让别人从中学到东西，你为什么不能同样被责骂呢？” 另一个姐姐说：“我们在这个世界上都曾很坏，别忘了你是如何获得博士学位的。我可以编造一些东西让学校取消你的学位。” （因为他们曾帮我修改了Statement of purpose，以及敦促我及时申请）事实上，我觉得有那么一刻她甚至想挥手打我。我几乎是在哀求他们：“请放过我吧，你说我可以自由离开，但你们却不让我走，你们到底在做什么？我和新房东约了时间，我必须走了”。

他们最终让我离开了。我以最快的速度逃走，只带了两个行李箱和一车行李，把其他东西都抛在脑后。而我见到的第一个人就是我的新房间的房东。我对着他嚎啕大哭，好像明天就是末日一样。后来，我想起那位姊妹的威胁还是心有余悸，因为如果她真的这么做了，我就没法继续在此地生活了，只能狼狈地回中国了；这些人都是学者、博士、常春藤盟校毕业生，而我却什么都不是。谁会相信我并站在我这边？于是我给警察局打了电话。但我不愿意告诉警察他们是谁，直到警察向我保证他不会让别人知道。警察听完我的故事后，要求我如果他们真的做了坏事就给他回电话，因为这是犯罪行为。

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当我离开教堂时，我以为我完完整整地离开了。但后来我发现我的内心已经崩溃了。用我朋友的话说，“他们粉碎了你的灵魂。” 在接下来的半年里，我经历了很多创伤性反应：睡眠不足、注意力难以集中、经常哭泣、神志不清。我多次去找学校辅导员，但没有任何帮助，而且我讨厌一遍又一遍地讲述这个故事。我只是想尽快克服它。我想更换我以前教堂里的一切。于是我买了一把吉他（我之前从教会的人那里借了吉他），然后我立即去了同学介绍的一个新教会，认为一切都是源于从前错误的做法和教导。但是我错了。只有时间才能治愈我。事实上，把事情推进得太快对我来说并不好。已经快半年了。我相信我当时非常沮丧。我还办了一张健身卡，因为我意识到我需要锻炼来让自己充满活力。现在教会的一位圣经老师找到我，一对一地教导我，我想我可以通过正确的教导来刷新我对圣经的理解。但很多时候圣经经文只会引发我痛苦的回忆：我是如何被他们指责的，或我是如何用这些经文责备自己的。终于，我再也无法忍受一遍又一遍地撕裂自己的伤口了。我不再相信包含类似元素的基督教教义。最终，我不得不停止去教会。

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后来的后来，我才逐渐了解到的：

耶稣说：“我喜爱仁慈，不喜爱牺牲 I Desire Mercy, Not Sacrifice”。

信仰和爱比任何宗教工作更重要。对受难者的同情比做上帝的工作和遵循教义更重要。我们需要尊重一个人的自然个性。有些人比较情绪化，有些人比较坚强，这一点需要得到尊重。“效法耶稣基督”并不意味着每个人都应该同样勤奋和优秀。一些自然的情感，如悲伤和怨恨，也需要得到尊重，而不仅仅是在人们有心理健康问题或感到受伤时我们需要感到快乐。圣经经文不能单独一句句理解；需要考虑上下文。对眼前的人没有爱和怜悯，教义很容易陷入僵化的实践。有时候即使一个人的出发点是好的，也不一定会有好的结果，因为人与人不同，看待事物的角度也不同。

English Version (The one I wrote at that time)¶

I was an international student at a University two and a half years ago when I met the people from the first church. At that time, I was not enjoying my study and my classmates. I was a little depressed, I believe. And unfortunately, I met a bad counselor so I didn’t trust counseling. These people showed up to me, very warm, joyful, and free. So I was attracted by them and decided to know their faith as a secret behind their joy. They are a home church. They were rooted in “living stream ministry,” which is one coming from Taiwan to the U.S., but they broke out of it because they are tired of the institutional system.

Immediately I moved into their “sisters’ house,” I was helped with how to do housework and how to be organized. And living stream ministry has its own version of the Bible, claiming their translation is the more accurate.( I compared later with NIV, it is mostly the same except for some terms). And this church addresses “church life,” which takes the church as a living. We, single ladies, lived in the same house. We shared meals and schedules with each other. They also taught me how to drive, and back then, I initially was doing an intern in a company that was sponsored by the church and operated solely by church people. We have Friday night and Sunday morning service. Each of them is about 3 hours long. The pastor, which we didn’t refer to as a pastor, but a “brother,” majorly talked about things related to the Bible. Before each meeting, we bring our “love feast”, which is usually cooked by multiple families. Other than that, we often study Bible-related materials once or twice a week. This is a very tight community. “Church as a living,” so they abandoned things of the format, but took things of the reality, so they didn’t have what a regular church has, like communion, like Christmas. We prayed out loud, crying to God, believing that the prayers out of released spirit instead of the human mind were closer to the conversation with God.

Most of this life was actually joyful, supported by a group of people, living my life with a purpose. But there’s a doubt in my heart that I knew this life was so different from what most people live, and I was secretly worried that I was living in a bubble that eventually will break.

Back then, the first church addressed a lot on “putting the city on top of the mountain.” (You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Mathew 5:14) They believe that Christianity has been so long ignored and misunderstood, that religion is just set aside from most people’s life. They wanted to let the world see, that religious people can also be rich in many other aspects of life. Therefore, they are trying to create new ways to prove to people and reach out to people. The company I interned in was one example. The reason I put so much trust in these people is that they are well-educated, including many PhDs from the university I graduated from, and the leader’s Children also graduated from Harvard and Princeton. It is real. And I can sense that they had good intentions. So the leaders’ children, and their friend, an MIT graduate, created a nonprofit organization promoting the culture and history of the city I lived in, aiming to educate young people from big cities to this small post-industrial city. They met many people in the government and corporations. I also worked for them; we all volunteer. We put a lot of energy and effort into it. I learned website building skills myself in this process and built and maintain the websites for both the company I interned and the nonprofit organization. I also edit social media videos for them. We even hosted a city-wide event inviting 1000+ people to come. We all volunteered. I spent all rest of my energy on it, feeling honored, thinking that I am serving God.

So far, the story seems all good. But many times when I faced myself, I questioned if it was really what I wanted to do—all I wanted at the beginning was to be joyful and free, but now I was devoting so much time and effort to it, and being taught and corrected on every aspect of my life, since I’m almost the youngest. The church leader often rebuked people in our gathering, as a mean for all of us to learn. And the concept I questioned in my heart was “sin.” Even little children of 2- year-old were considered to naturally know how to manipulate their parents by crying and shouting. Therefore, the promoted practice was to scream and rebuke once the child started to do that. See, they are of the same principle on treating adults and children. I couldn’t agree with that, because I am a very gentle and timid person. If I were the child, I would be rather treated gently with love.

When my study becomes more intense, well, actually, back then, in order to stay in this place, I applied for another MBA in this university, and later I also applied for the Ph.D. Ph.D. study is very intense. I felt tired and stressed by dealing with both my study, church life, and spiritual learning. Plus, I think they all tried to “help me” by pushing me to schedule more efficiently and spare some time with them as family time so that I was not entirely occupied by the study. But I am not an English speaker. And I also taught a class. In reality, the suggested schedule did not fit my ability. For some days, I could only sleep for 3~4 hours to get things done.

In the meantime, another young girl growing up in the church was facing something similar but on a more severe level. She’s doing a nursing program, and working for the nonprofit organization. The leader thought she did not appreciate her study, so they pushed her to work in Mac Donald, to experience a “real life” supporting herself since her mom supported her. So she had to get up at 3 am every morning to work, and she constantly lacked sleep. In fact, three of the young people were already semi-forced to get up early and work in McDonald, even they have college degrees. And a sister with a post-doctor biological degree was already forced to quit her job and work in the their company, and she was once also forced to date with someone she didn’t like. Of course, these people won’t accept that they were “forced,” because they knew it’s for “spiritual growth”. Seeing their situation, even I believed that they are of good intention, I still felt confused and scared, that I would be treated the same way in order to achieve “spirital grwoth”. At that time, a leading sister just opened her house for 3 of us to live. (we previously lived in a small house, but it was crushed by a falling tree). She’s aiming at a renewed life. I knew I should be supportive, yet I felted I was observed (remember they tried to help me) and feeling unease because I knew my heart was not there anymore.

One day, I got my car fixed at a mechanic store, and they sent me an Uber driver to send me home. On the way home, as me and the taxi-driver casually chatted about my church, she felt suspicious, and suggested me to look at Youtube videos about “cult”. So I did. Doubt arose in my heart.

At the same night, it was a Friday meeting night, the sisters living with me told the leader that they felt I was not very engaged and there’s something wrong with me these days. So the leader called me to him, asked me if I wanted to leave. I said, “I do, but I am afraid other people in the church will feel sad.” He said, “I’m here, so they won’t. Do you want to leave?” I said, “yes.” So he announced to everyone saying I wanted to leave, and then he said, “I just tested her a little bit, she immediately confessed.” I couldn’t remember clearly what happened later; it was chaotic. They didn’t know what happened to me. They thought I was “demon-possessed”. In the beginning, I thought he did that purposely, so “others won’t feel sad.” So no matter what they accused me, I would not respond. But after half a meeting, I realized he meant what he said. The leader threatened me, “if you want to leave, leave tonight. All your luggage will be out now.” I told them that my heart is not here; if I continue to be here because of other benefits, I’m trading. “Why do you want to make me stay this way?” But they accused me, “you are the one trading.” I was already viewed as a bad person, reaping the benefits out of the church, and left afterward. So I had to find a house within three days and leave. At that time, I felt so desperate and uncertain. At midnight, I couldn’t fall asleep, and I kneeled down to pray to God. “Lord, help me.”

Mirically, I did find a house. In fact, I found several; I even had a choice to choose the best.

Before the following Sunday meeting, I already packed most of my stuff, but I still decided to go to the last meeting because I felt I owed this group a lot, they once helped me, cared about me, cheered me up and gave me good values. So even if they were angry and want to rebuke me, I was willing to accept it. But I didn’t know that I would be so traumatized later. On that day, the leader thought I already planned for a long time to leave. “She’s smart because she found a house within three days”, he said bitterly. That Sunday was my last meeting. Between Friday and Sunday, a young sister’s parents visited, and they asked me meet this parents as part of the sister’s house. So I still came, helped, and tried to be nice. And honestly, at that moment I was so confused that I didn’t even know if I could continue to believe in God or not. So the visiting parents tried to testify to me how they believed. But on Sunday, the leader referred to the performance of me before that parents and said, “do you see how fake she is?”

So that Sunday, basically, the other girl in the nursing program and I were bad examples in the teaching, using Bible knowledge, the Bible that I once whole-hearted believed, and being devoted to. I was accused of being like Cain, killing his brother. And at that time, they were studying revelation, so I was even compared with the prostitute in Revelation 17, because “I sold myself to the world”. I never even had any relationship with a boy. Whatever they accused me of, I just felt like they wouldn’t listen, because they have their own way to rationalize it, so I had to say, “fine”. But the leader said the way I said “fine” was like how a prostitute accepting money from her customer.

What’s worse is that, they once put me together with a boy to date with, or so-called “fellowship.” I did confessed that I liked him. But later on, we were forced to break up and come back to common brothers and sisters, and the reason is that we loved each other too quickly and too close to each other and ignored other people’s feeling, so we discarded God’s will. But on Sunday, the leader told other people in the church that the reason I still stayed in the Church is because I wanted to marry him ( to get a green card). I couldn’t keep silent hearing an insult like that, “NO! ” I screamed, “it is not true”. But the leader’s daughter screamed at me, “shut up!” I knew this was a false accuse because if they didn’t put us together, even if I liked him, I wouldn’t even consider a husband 7 years older than me, of a different race with language and cultural barriers. My parents were strongly against it and I need “god’s grace” to overcome these barriers. The leader pointed out all my drawbacks and mistakes in front of everyone, and that and asked the boy, “do you still love her?” and he said, “no.” And his parents, who I once lived with when I had no other place to stay, said they no longer wanted me to marry their son because I didn’t love God. The sister that I lived with and loved for a long time cast on me a hatred eye and told them, “don’t be fooled by her!” I didn’t realize how painful their reactions to me were until I told this story to a counselor and cried out loud.

That day, the leader asked the girl in the nursing program to pray; she couldn’t. She said, “it didn’t work; I tried.” But the leader addressed that “you already knew, and you do believe.” And they force the girl to cease studying for a year so that she can know the real labor so that she appreciates her study. She’s not willing. Then they said, “look at your mother, look at all the kids here, why would you choose your degree rather than your mother, what an example you set for them.” (she’s always the one taking care of these kids as a big sister). My mind was screaming, saying it is “guilt-tripping.” Because my mother once threatened me to come back to my own country with her life in the same way, and they told me about “guilt-tripping.” But now they were doing the same thing themselves. I thought to myself, this is was not right, she had to have her own free will, even if it would be considered wrong in their eyes.

Because she couldn’t pray, the leader turned to me and asked me to pray. I immediately did. I cried out to God: “Lord Jesus, Lord Jesus, I could not comprehend what’s going on here! I’m so confused!”  When I pray, I couldn’t hold my truth thoughts anymore, so I turned around and said to that girl, “Just pray, you can pray anything, no matter you believe this God or not, as long as you are honest to yourself, even if you feel it is ridiculous, say it out!” This word “ridiculous” made everyone furious. They believed I was indeed demon-possessed. Even though I apologized that I used the wrong word, they said I was not sincere. And they thought I was trying to teach the girl to betray. They said I was “fake”, because how can a person betrayed God already can pray.

So eventually, the leader asked me to go. “leave right now!“ He said. And I fleet away. But when I was ready to leave, two persons, the leading sister who’s once my roommate and the house owner, and the brother who first led me to pray, came to me and prevented me from leaving. They wanted a reason. I couldn’t tell them “because someone said you are a cult and I to some extent agree.” So I kept my mouth shut. But they wouldn’t let me go. The brother said, “we were rebuked in the meeting to benefit others, why can’t you do that also?” and the sister said, “we’ve all been bad in the world, don’t forget how you got your Ph.D. degree, I could make up something to let the school cancel it.” (because they helped me to modify my purpose of statement and pushed me to apply in time) In fact, I think there’s a moment she even wanted to beat me. I almost begged them “please just let me go, you said I am free to leave, but you didn’t let me, what are you doing? I had an appointment with my new landlord and I had to go”.

They eventually let me go. I fleet away as fast as I could, carrying only two suitcases and a car of luggage, leaving everything else behind. And the first person I saw was the landlord of my new room. I was crying to him like there’s no tomorrow. Later, I felt scared by that sister’s threatening because if she actually did so, I would not survive and had to go back to China in a bad way; these people are scholars, PhDs, ivy-league graduates, and I am nobody. Who would believe me and stand on my side? So I called the police office. But I was not willing to tell them who they were until he promised me that he won’t let others knew. And the policeman, after hearing my story, asked me to call back if they actually did bad things, because it would be a crime.

When I left the church, I thought I went away as a whole. But afterward, I realized that I was broken. Using my friend’s language, “they shattered your soul.” In the subsequent half a year, I experienced a lot of traumatic reactions: lack of sleep, hard to concentrate, crying a lot, and mind wondering. I went to the school counselors several times, but it was not helpful, and I hated talking about this story over and over again. I just wanted to get over it as soon as possible. I want to replace everything I had in my previous church. So I bought a guitar (I borrowed the guitar from my church people before), and I went to a new church immediately introduced by my classmate, thinking that everything was about wrong practices and teaching. But I was wrong. Only time can cure me. Pushing things too fast actually was not good for me. It’s been almost half a year. I believe I was very depressed back then. I got a gym card because I realized that I need to exercise to keep myself pumped up. And a bible teacher in the current church approached me, teaching me 1 v 1, and I thought I could refresh my Bible understanding by the correct teachings. But a lot of times Bible verses just triggered my painful memories, and how I was either accused by them or blaming myself using these verses. Eventually, I could no longer bear with touching my wounds over and over again; I could no longer trust Christian teaching which contains similar elements. Eventually, I had to stop going to churches.

This is what I gradually learned after leaving there. Jesus said, “I desire mercy, not sacrifice”. Faith and love are more than any religious work. Empathy to suffering people is more important than doing God’s work and following teachings. We need to respect who a person’s natural personality is. Some are more emotional, others are stronger, and this needs to be respected. “conform to Jesus Christ” doesn’t mean each person shall be equally hardworking and excellent. Some natural feelings such as sorrowfulness and resentfulness need to be respected also, not merely address that we need to be joyful if it is in the situation when people are having mental health issues or feeling hurt. Bible verses cannot be taken sentence by sentence; the context needs to be considered. Without love and mercy to people in view, doctrines will easily fall into rigid practices. But sometimes even if a person does things with good intention, it may not end up with a good result, because people are different and each view things differently.